Make me laugh... - Cheekysamo - CandyCrib.com Blog

Posted: 21:17, 26 May by BabyButton

urmmmmm....

dang i want the prize! but i cant think of a joke!! xx

Posted: 21:18, 26 May by essex86

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice gazongas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

Posted: 21:19, 26 May by GypsyMoth

here is a dumb joke my little cousin told me. its a s in on the chicken crossed the rode joke. here it goes:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get away from the annoying people who wanted to know why he was crossing.

its not that funny but it was cute.

Posted: 21:19, 26 May by cheekysamo

sure ul think of something babybutton hehe! ;)
any news on the shoot front? xx

Posted: 21:19, 26 May by nero83

A couple of Mississippi hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

Posted: 21:19, 26 May by hchinaski

I got this one from a comic book xD

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then, the first guy has an idea... He says "Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!" B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh-says... He says "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn it off when I was half way across!"

Posted: 21:19, 26 May by GypsyMoth

funny joke essex. i have heard it told a few different ways but its still funny.

Posted: 21:20, 26 May by cheekysamo

essex86 lol... heard it b4 but makes me laugh hehe x

Posted: 21:20, 26 May by cheekysamo

gypsymoth.. lol thats cute!! x

Posted: 21:20, 26 May by GemmaHolmes

The 7 dwarfs were mining one day and there was a cave in...

Snow White runs to help them stand at the entrance and shouts down

'' Are you ok, is there anyone alive ''

She Hears Back

'' Boro are going to stay in the premier league ''

She Sighs... At leasy Dopeys alive

xx

Posted: 21:20, 26 May by essex86

do i win?? :)

Posted: 21:21, 26 May by cheekysamo

haha hchinaski... that the kind of punchline that i would actually say lol xx

Posted: 21:22, 26 May by cheekysamo

hehe gemma!!
hows u chick? xx

Posted: 21:22, 26 May by cheekysamo

lol essex... give other people a chance to enter! xx

Posted: 21:23, 26 May by essex86

damn lol

Posted: 21:23, 26 May by GemmaHolmes

Im good thanks how are u ?

Its good i think i can take the piss out of my own team going down lol x

Posted: 21:28, 26 May by ArfonsCandyFlamegirls

Englishman, Chinese man and American are stranded on island after plane crash lands in the ocean....The American goes all gung ho, takes charge and orders the Englishman to set up base camp, whilst he would go hunting for food. In the meantime he asked the Chinese to see if he could find any supplies from the plane wreckage.

Sitting by the camp fire eating fresh wild parrot, The Englishman and American notice the Chinese is not back from searching for supplies...In fact 3 days went by and still no sign....So they both decided one morning that the worst had come to the worst and they divided the rations they spared for him between them for breakfast...when...suddenly...a frantic rustling sound comes from behind the bushes and out from behind leaps this lanky figure, screaming and shouting.....

"BOO! SUPPLIES!"

Posted: 21:31, 26 May by laurie38

An old joke but always makes me laugh....
A student is on a round the world trek, stops off in a bar in Australia..while drinking he spots a large glass bottle full of money on the bar...he asks the barman what the money is for.

The barman replies that they have a miserable donkey in the shed behind the bar and anyone who can make it laugh will win the money.

So the Student goes to the shed and ten seconds later the donkey is laughing uncontrollably , the student comes back into the bar and the barman is stunned and asks what he said, the student replies 'sorry can tell you, you won't believe me.' The Barman gives him the bottle and he leaves.

1 year later the Student returns to the bar where he hears the Donkey still laughing, but another full glass bottle on the bar, and the Barman covering his ears.

On seeing the Student the barman pleads with him to go and shut the donkey up.

Again the student goes outside and 10 seconds later the donkey stops.

The student goes back into the bar..and the stunned barman says..F**k what did you do...how did you get him laughing...

The student replies..'I told him I had a bigger dick than him....'

The barman then says...how did stop him?

The student says....I showed him........

Posted: 21:33, 26 May by ArfonsCandyFlamegirls

Many footballers' WAGs from the North East corner of England who've yet to experience the joy of cunnilingus will revel at the opportunity to insist that their BAHs (Boyfriends and Husbands) get used to that 'going down' feeling...

Posted: 21:34, 26 May by BabyButton

oh yeh! hes back at home now weve been really busy this last week briefly spoken about it but wen i know details ill let u know! woo!

and

knock knock?

whos there

big ish,

big who?

NOT TODAY THANKS! HAHAHAHA .... yeh ill go away now :P Xx

Posted: 21:36, 26 May by cheekysamo

Im good 2 Gemma!
Got any shoots lined up? xx

Posted: 21:37, 26 May by ArfonsCandyFlamegirls

What's a Shitzu?
A zoo with no animals

Posted: 21:37, 26 May by cheekysamo

laurie & afron i like! :D

Posted: 21:38, 26 May by cheekysamo

haha babybutton!!! an too right.. not today thanks! xx

Posted: 21:39, 26 May by nero83

how about this

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you

Posted: 21:39, 26 May by cheekysamo

What's a Shitzu?
A zoo with no animals

you just got my sense of humour down to a T afron!! lmao!! x

Posted: 21:40, 26 May by cheekysamo

nero thats terrible haha!! love it! x

Posted: 21:42, 26 May by nero83

do i win then? LOL
xx

Posted: 21:42, 26 May by craigv

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre. I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me" and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, battering him with little sugary chairs and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?" "I was", says Smartie, "but those Lockets are f**king menthol!"

Posted: 21:44, 26 May by craigv

Why do elephants have big ears?

Because Noddy wouldn't pay the ransom.

Posted: 21:45, 26 May by ArfonsCandyFlamegirls

A List of Genuine Complaints Made To Various Local Councils

My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

And he’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it any more

It’s the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burned my knob off

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage

And their 18-year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to letter that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spit. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it’s now getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a dow

Posted: 21:46, 26 May by ArfonsCandyFlamegirls

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2

Posted: 21:46, 26 May by GemmaHolmes

yeah ive got one on friday all day that i cant wait to do and then ive got one thursday aswell i think :) xx

Posted: 21:53, 26 May by BabyButton

haha i tried Sam :P XX

Posted: 21:53, 26 May by jinkysboy

Sam

Q How so you get rid of pubic hairs ?

A Spit them out

Posted: 21:56, 26 May by jd2009

if god made the front of a womans body the council must have made the back, who else would put a shit hole next to a play area?

Posted: 21:57, 26 May by jd2009

Two hookers stand on a street corner. One says "It's gonna be a good night, I can smell cock in the air". The other replies "Sorry that was me, I just burped"

Posted: 21:58, 26 May by cheekysamo

jd2009 loving the 2nd one the best!! lol xx

Posted: 21:59, 26 May by cheekysamo

u spit them out jinky? lol x

Posted: 21:59, 26 May by jd2009

according to recent studies,blowjobs r the healthiest breakfast.as it cums wiv a sausage,2 nuts + a protein shot. stay healthy girls... suck a dick

Do I win? I hope they're not too wrong lol

Posted: 22:00, 26 May by cheekysamo

hehe loving this blog!!! keep me coming xxx

Posted: 22:00, 26 May by jd2009

why do women wear knickers at work? coz health and safety state that all manholes must b covered wen not in use!

Posted: 22:01, 26 May by jd2009

I think four is enough from me... it's quality rather than quantity lol x

Posted: 22:02, 26 May by jd2009

Keep u coming Samo? Are the jokes that funny? lol

Posted: 22:02, 26 May by jd2009

Keep u coming Samo? Are the jokes that funny? lol

Posted: 22:04, 26 May by essex86

How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?

It ain't hard...

Posted: 22:08, 26 May by BabyButton

eww jinksy!! x

Posted: 22:22, 26 May by TheMojoJojo

If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

Posted: 22:23, 26 May by Lebowski99

New Miley Cyrus DVD: £15

Tub of Vaseline: £3

XL Box of Tissues: £2

The look of disgust on the cashier's face as you pay: Priceless

Posted: 22:24, 26 May by peteracib11

People on cruises do not put on weight from eating too much food. The salt in the air from the seawater shrinks their clothes. Ha Ha Ha

Posted: 22:25, 26 May by TheMojoJojo

Why did the little pig go, "Wee, wee, wee," all the way home?

The Big Bad Wolf told him to piss off.

Posted: 22:28, 26 May by TheMojoJojo

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm. Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help your wife fantasise and should bring on an orgasm."

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi.

"Okay," he says to the husband, "Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire, the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel!!"

Posted: 22:31, 26 May by Lebowski99

Paddy and murphy are on a day out.
'Murphy look at that forest up there' said paddy

'I cant see fuck all theres too many trees in the way'. replied murphy

Posted: 22:32, 26 May by cindzh

Heres one that made me laugh but might not everyone else....

A guy goes to a farmer and tells him that he wants to buy a goat so the farmer says it'll cost you 100euro and guy says thats fine but I can't collect it for a week, so the guy pays his 100euro and goes away. When he comes back a week later the farmer says to him that hes sorry but the goat died during the week, and the guy says thats fine just give me my money back, to which the farmer expains he's already spent it. So the guy tells him that he will take the goat anyway and he heads away with the goat. A few weeks later the farmer sees the guy again and asks what did he do with the dead goat. The guy explains to him that he held a raffell to win a goat and sold 200 tickets for 2euro each. The farmer asks him did nobody complain when they found out the goat was dead, to which the guy says only the person who won and he gave him a refund, so I'm 298euro in profit now. This guy now works in Irish politics!

yeh not that funny when I read it now but feck it I typed it so I'm posting it lol

Posted: 22:36, 26 May by Mattbentley

carlsberg dont do Alzheimers............ Just exceedingly good cakes

Posted: 22:37, 26 May by TheMojoJojo

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me
for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't
decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She
wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must
have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with

Posted: 22:39, 26 May by Mattbentley

Watching Britains got Talent the other night, it made a refreshing change to see a young boy doing Michael Jackson

Posted: 22:40, 26 May by Mattbentley

Gordon Brown: More scared of an Election than a young Chinese Rent Boy.....

Posted: 23:36, 26 May by jd2009

who won the prize? I'm on tenter hooks here lol

Posted: 00:25, 27 May by helples

wen jane was gettin 2 no tarzan she asked him bout his sexual history "tarzan only eva hav sex wit hole in tree"he said "oh tarzan u hav it all wrong al shoe u the propa way" so jane takes off her clothes lies on the ground n says "ugot 2 stick it in here2 TARZAN LOOKED PUZZLED 4 A MOMENT THEN GAZ JANE A KICK IN THE FANNY. SCREAMIN JANE SAYS "WAY THE FUCK did u do that?" "tarzan check 4 bees first"

Posted: 00:29, 27 May by helples

in the sleepy village of Erbum near the town of tillet in hertfordshire lives a woman called lucy lykes. she is land lady of the local pud, the cock inn. all her mail is addressed to: lucy lykes,the cock inn, erdum, tillet, herts.

Posted: 06:55, 27 May by Kundalini12

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel puts three nails on the counter and says "Can you put me up for the night?".

Posted: 16:00, 27 May by Marik

The Three Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural South Eastern Oklahoma close to the Choctaw Nation.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a Choctaw's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly Choctaw drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old Choctaw replied, "This is our property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.The old Choctaw smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the Choctaw Nation. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"The Choctaw replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on our land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old Choctaw slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the Choctaw's third kick to his end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, old man, now it's my turn."
The old Choctaw smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck" and walked away.

Posted: 17:05, 27 May by jd2009

who won???

Posted: 19:17, 27 May by kirbya12345

wats the prize?

Posted: 20:00, 27 May by ictos

One night, a drunk was wandering through a fairground when he found an archery stall. The woman refused to let him play at first but finally, she gave in. She was astonished when he scored three bullseyes and won a pet tortoise.

Later that evening, he returned, even more drunk, and played again. After scoring another three bullseyes, he won a second tortoise.

He returned to the stall a third time, almost unable to stand. However, he played again and scored another three bullseyes. This time, the woman on the stall said to him, "Look, you've already won two tortoises and they need a lot of looking after. Would you rather have something else?" "No, replied the man, "just give me another of 'em crusty loaves!"

Posted: 15:16, 28 May by cb121

6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy...

Posted: 23:50, 28 May by cheekysamo

Hey guys been really busy.. When i get a sec im going to have a read through an let the winner know :) xx

Posted: 08:19, 29 May by 80880

Stephen Hawking goes out on his first date in decades.

He returns home with brken glasses, grazed face, bruised arms and a blooded and ripped shirt.

She stood him up!

Posted: 08:20, 29 May by 80880

Personally - I'm liking the Miley Cyrus joke, have just text it to my friends.
So wrong yet so funny!